The heart and soul of domination and submission games is the willingness to give up power and control to another person. For a lot of people in the kink community, it’s a seemingly natural assumption to make that dominant women just aren’t as domineering as male dominants can be. That if one truly wants to be put in ones place, you need a man for the job. The impression is that women are just too kind, too sweet, too forgiving and lenient for ‘real’ domination.

Ms. Harper asks, "Is your mistress too kind?"This assumption about the base nature of women versus men in kinky sex communities leads to a lot of damn, stupid behavior.

The automatic ideas about what sorts of roles men and women are best suited to are based in tired old gender essentialist stereotypes. No one actually expects June Cleaver to tie up her husband and take him to task for not taking out the trash. That’s all relegated to porn and fantasy. And that kind of automatic assumption about the nature of a Mistress can lead to those who submit to a Mistress being asked whether their Mistress is ‘real’, or ‘too kind’.

Of course, because the assumptions about the nature of a female dominant are so far removed from reality, people often fall into the other side of the trap. When you assume a woman is automatically going to be kind, go easy on you, and not be a deep player, you can wind up playing with a Dominatrix who is above your level. When you play with a Mistress who does like to make you cry, drive you to the edge of your endurance, and create situations that you just cannot win, if you weren’t expecting that you can find yourself in over your own head.

Is your Mistress too kind?

I suppose the only way to find out is to go ask her about how she plays, what her style is, and then set up a session to find out for yourself. If she’s too kind, you can ask her to go harder, deeper, more intense, and I can almost guarantee that she’ll enjoy pushing a little father into her dark side for you. I know I would.


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