I want to talk about the BDSM Switch, the BDSM unicorn who straddles the line of Dominant and submissive. As it happens, I am a switch. I’ve talked about my own sexuality on my podcast KINKology: the psychology of kink before, and referenced my journey as a “born pervert’ numerous times. I believe I have briefly mentioned being a switch before, but we haven’t fully talked about what that means. For me, I am and have been mostly Dominant my entire life. I am demanding and controlling sexually and have little problem in making my needs known. But that doesn’t fully encompass everything my sexuality is. Before we get into that, let’s talk about what a BDSM switch is.
What is a BSDM Switch?
A BDSM Switch is a person who can switch from the Dominant role to the submissive role in power play dynamics and BDSM scenes. Now this can mean many different things when practically applied. Our sexuality can be fluid, and for some, its a little more fluid than others.
BDSM Switch: Leaning, True, or Mood Swing
According to the Obedience App switches vary—and some classifications break it down like this:
- Sub-leaning switch: A sub leaning switch is going to be an individual who is most comfortable in the submissive role, but is able to take on the Dominant role with certain partners, during certain times or scenes, etc.
- Dom-leaning switch: A Dom leaning switch is going to dominant most of the time, but able to submit to certain people, during certain times, etc.
- “True” switch: The true switch is a chameleon—able to slip fluidly between Dom and Sub as the scene dictates or mood strikes. You may switch between sessions, within a single scene, or even multiple times a day—if your headspace can handle it
BDSM Role Switching
Beholdenheathen.com broke it down a little differently.
- Scene Based Switching: The role the individual takes can switch from scene to scene based on the dynamic with their partner(s)
- Partner-Based Switching: A person may take on one role with one partner but then take on the opposite role with other partners. I will personally add that some people may switch to a particular group of people (only submissive to Black men or women or vice versa, etc).
- Mood Based Switching: A person may switch based solely on their inclinations at the time of the scene. This can switch from day to day.
Ms Becky’s BDSM Switch Confessional
For me, I dont know exactly where I fit in. I kinda float from category to category based on how I feel, which I guess makes me a mood-based switch. However I am surely Dominant leaning, yet fairly fluid in terms of being able to access my submissive side at will. I am also more likely to engage in partner based switching, such as switching with my situationship J (he is dominant leaning for sure, but lets me have my wicked way with him on occasion) or subbing to Dominant women specifically. I really love seeing women in control and dominating- it makes me happy on so many levels- sexually, intellectually, even somewhat spiritually. I have written about my love of primal sex, which very much can encapsulate this fucking power struggle between dominance and submission perfectly. I use my sexuality as a way to express… I guess… life itself? Most time, I get off by being in charge just generally- I enjoy guiding, leading, sculpting my subbies like art work. When my mood is chaotic or stormy and I need to release some sexual aggression I need to be in charge of the scene. When I feel soft and feminine, when I want to give the gift of my submission to someone, or when I feel like a coquette or like a brat, I can also flirt with the line of submission myself.
I have spoken before about my crayon box theory- that life gives us a box of crayons including all the colors, and I believe we are meant to color with all of them. For me, I feel easily able to access the various parts of me, to express the many complex, multifaceted layers of my existence. I am also very, very playful as a person, so for me to enjoy jumping into any type of play that involves accessing different parts of myself come easily to me. I have an understanding of my power as a person, my power to chose who I am from moment to moment, to easily make fluid movements to the next experience I chose to embody. I am aware of my everythingness. I am able to call up whatever tools, traits, attitudes, ways of being to effectively and enjoyably meet the challenge in any given moment. Now, am I saying I do this 100% of the time? NAH, friend. But I do have the power to easily shift from moment to moment, according to what that moment needs. I have the ability to color with all my crayons, so to speak.
My Thoughts on the Traits of BDSM Switches
As I said, I do find that switches tend to be playful, and to a large degree thrill seeking. They crave new experiences from moment to moment. They tend to exemplify what it means to be open minded and curious, observing and absorbing the world with eager eyes… among other body parts, yes? They are resourceful, able to meet the needs of different circumstances with different demands. I believe BDSM switches to be highly sensual and impacted by their senses, and highly sexual beings. If I were to guess, I would say a large swath of them have the love language of touch just because they are so sensual. They are confident, as evidenced by their ability to step up to new challenges and experiences. I also find them genuinely rather brave, because it takes some guts to be submissive (I truly believe submissives are some of the strongest people on earth) but also because it takes guts to face the challenges from both roles.
Considerations for the Heterosexual Male BDSM Switch
It seems to me that heterosexual male switches are a bit more susceptible to societal shaming than female switches. There is a cultural fascination with sexually aggressive women, though its certainly not to say that there aren’t detractors. But with men, there is such a stigma with taking on the submissive role. Men are socialized to be aggressive, confident, in control. Being sexually vulnerable, or vulnerable in anyway, can be a threatening proposition to a man socialized within our culture. From simply a nervous system perspective I think men react to vulnerability differently than a lot of women. Thats before you even figure in their fears regarding being judged or rejected for their softness, a message men receive from the time they are born, you know? The thought of becoming sexually submissive to another person becomes about more then sexual urges- it becomes mixed up in sex and gender and gender role expectations, etc.
The fine folks at Men’s Health had this to say about Male Switches:
“Like many topics of sexual exploration, the concept of switching can be more difficult to grasp for men than for women,” says Andre Shakti, a sex worker, educator and intimacy coach. “This is because we socialize men in a way that exalts strength, power and authority as favorable traits. In a society that still celebrates and rewards masculinity, men often hesitate to be vulnerable for fear that their masculinity will fall into question.”
As with any label, switches fall on a spectrum. “Just like sexual libido, we can look at power dynamics as being on a spectrum rather than an ‘either-or’ binary,” Shakti says. “Your craving for power versus vulnerability in the bedroom will ebb and flow over time depending on a great number of variables including confidence, career, physical and mental health, chronological age, and life experience, as well as who you’re partnered with. That’s one-hundred-percent normal!”
One of the largest disservices think the patriarchy has done to men is this completely unrealistic and unsustainable expectation that men are never going to be vulnerable, soft, or submissive. I think of that expectation as an albatross around the neck of men everywhere. One of the reasons I felt so called to become a BDSM Mistress was because of the ability to provide experiences designed to break down men’s barriers and protective walls and expose their inner subby. I think deep down most men have it in them to submit to women- I feel like they are called to make us happy and gear a remarkable amount of their behaviors towards that one end.
The reality of the matter is I find most men have a submissive side relating to women, even if they do not sexually submit. They want to seek the approval of their mates, and they want to surrender to the care, attention and love of their women. I mean, subby much? And that isnt to shame them- its to wake them up to the naturalness of men submitting to women. I think there is nothing more fulfilling to a heterosexual male than making his women happy and proud of him, but yet there is this feeling of shame associated with submission to a women. Most men would find it appalling to admit how much power his women truly has over him, but we know who controls sex, the home, and in large part the relationship. That, my friends, is submission.
I encourage any of you whose interest I have piqued to maybe follow this new interest and see where it ends up. And if you want some company along the way, I fucking love topping Dominant & Switch men. There is such a thrill in bringing a Dominant man to his knees, to watch him enjoy his surrender to my will. I would love to explore this dynamic with you, if this is your jam. And if there are any Dominant men out there interested in exploring what phone sex has to offer, I do like the occasional switch phone sex session too. Keeps me on my toes, you know? And believe you me, I know how to keep you on yours as well. Let’s chat, yeah?
Listen to “BDSM Switch” on KINKology: the psychology of kink
