Some people are just natural submissives. They spread like butter, opening up and giving way to the desires of their dominant partner like it’s easy, like breathing. And then there are the rest of the world, who find submission tricky for any number of reasons. Even if you find it difficult to submit, you may wind up wanting to become more submissive anyway. Lucky you, I have some tips.

When Submission Is Hard

Sometimes submission can be harder for you to sink down into. Maybe what your partner has asked for is outside your comfort zone, or perhaps you’ve tried it before and didn’t enjoy it, or even had a bad experience with it. Maybe you’ve had to be in ‘work mode’ all day, and are finding it hard to let go of the outside persona that has to be in charge and make decisions. Perhaps you’ve just never done this before, and are feeling some trepidation. For whatever reasons, sometimes you may find it difficult to let go of responsibility, power, and authority, and allow someone else to make the decisions for you. Getting frustrated at yourself in these moments will just make things worse.

How To Become More Submissive

If you’re finding it tricky let go of control over what’s about to happen to you, with you, and around you, my first bit of advice is to stop what you’re doing. Use a safeword to ask for a break, and then tell your partner that you’re having some trouble letting go. Asking your partner (emphasis on PARTNER) to help you when submission is harder for you, is a sign that your relationship is strong. Even if your current partner is a paid professional, letting them know when you’re in trouble is important. And having issues submitting is you in trouble, in the moment. Communication is key! None of the fun stuff we get up to with BDSM is possible if we don’t communicate with our partners about how we’re feeling, how we’re processing, and how much we’re enjoying (or not) what’s happening.

Submissive Trust

The entire Dominant/Submissive dynamic is built on Trust. Without trust, neither partner is going to have a good time. If the submissive can’t stop flinching, whether metaphorically or physically, the scene just isn’t as fun. A little anticipation can add spice, but the reflexive flinch of distrust is not sexy. If you’re finding it hard to trust your dominant partner, go back to your communication and talk it out. You can also try some trust building exercises. I like to pause, and do tiny incremental steps towards the activity that is causing the breakdown of trust.

Trust Building

If you’re not truly trusting that I won’t fuck you hard and deep, too fast, too soon, with not enough lube, then the answer to building your trust in me is NOT to just shove a dildo in your ass. Instead, I must prove to you that I’m trustworthy by answering your fears with reassurance and then showing you through my actions that I have heard your concerns and taken them seriously. So we’re going to use a lot of lube, and I’m going to finger you open so slowly that you’ll be begging me to hurry up and fuck you so you can cum. See? Trust. This is part of ”how to become more submissive’, for you.

Put Your Partner First

If talking it out, and trying to build (or rebuild) trust hasn’t really helped you become more submissive, then it’s time to do some mental work to shift your attitude. For many people, sex can be a great time to be deeply selfish. The pursuit of orgasm leads people to focus inward, on their own pleasures, and that can make them less likely to pay attention to their partner’s needs, desires, and instructions. For the submissive partner, forgetting that they’re not in charge while they’re chasing that orgasm can be kryptonite! Shift your focus away from ‘oh boy I’m gonna cum’ and towards ‘what do I need to do to make sure my partner is having a great time?’ Changing your mental focus in the scene can really help you become much more submissive.

Ready Put It All In Practice?

Remember that building trust, and learning to communicate can take a while. You’re not going to build the Notre Dame in a day. It takes time, effort, and repeated attempts to get good at talking about your fears, vulnerabilities, and desires, and most folks have spent their entire lives steadfastly learning NOT to talk about their feelings like this! Give yourself some grace, and allow yourself the room to fumble, to fail, and to mess up. You can still have a lot of fun while you’re learning all about how to become more submissive, even if you’re not leaping into a gimp suit, button chastity device, and bending over for the big paddle. Small steps are valid, and can be a lot of fun. In a year you’ll look back on where you started and be amazed at how far you’ve come in learning to submit.

Give Me A Call

You can always call me up and practice your communication, negotiation, and submission skills with me. I’m happy to let you work out your phrasing with me, and can provide you feedback about how you ask for your desires, and even roleplay through a scenario with you. Asking a professional for help is the sign of a dedicated learner; find the best teacher you can and learn from their expertise. I hope to hear from you soon, especially if my advice here has been useful!

Your BDSM Mistress, Harper

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